Gratiosity: The Gift I Couldn’t Give Myself
Walking block after block around my neighborhood, taking my monthly Zoom call with my EOS Implementor and Culture Index consultant. But not at my desk like usual. I can’t sit still. Sitting still feels impossible.
My voice catches. Tears well up in my eyes. And it all just pours out of me.
“Everything I thought I was building with sturdy blocks turned out to be made of sand. And now it’s all just crumbling through my fingers. Everything I touch is breaking.”
I take a breath. Then the darker thought underneath it all:
“I’m obviously not good at running businesses. Starting them…maybe. But if I could actually do this well, the results would be a whole lot different.”
For those of you who have read previous articles, you know the challenges that the uncertainty of Covid, inflation, and interest rates had on my core areas of focus: marketing, manufacturing, and real estate. I won’t replay all the details, but what I will tell you is this, feeling like two decades of work were unraveling in a matter of months created a despair whose depths I didn’t know if I would find the bottom of.
And underpinning all of that was an even more paralyzing thought: What if it takes me 20 more years to get back to where I was?
I didn’t know if I had the strength. I didn’t know if I had the endurance. The tank was already near empty, and now I was supposed to push that same boulder up that same hill…again?
A Break in the Clouds
One of the things I’ve done well in my life is surrounding myself with great coaches and mentors to help me navigate the strategic and emotional complexities of leading people and building businesses.
And on this call, these two stepped up and delivered the perspective my overtaxed and overstressed mind could not create on its own but so desperately needed.
They told me all of their clients in these industries were facing similar challenges, but it was extra fun for me because all the industries I’m involved in were all getting hammered all at the same time.
They told me something I couldn’t see through the fog of self-blame: I was taking all the accountability for challenges that weren’t entirely mine to carry. The stress I was creating for my family and team was real, but so was the fact that I was shouldering much of the weight that belonged to macroeconomic forces, not just personal shortcomings.
That call cracked open a door. Or maybe it created a small break in the storm clouds. Just enough for me to catch my breath and reflect.
What’s mine to own and learn from?
What’s industry-level weather I need to navigate?
What competitive advantages might be hiding inside this chaos?
And somewhere in that sorting came a choice: fire can either destroy or forge. I had to decide which one this would be.
Forcing Space
There are several species of pine trees with what are called serotinous cones. These pine cones can remain closed for years protecting their seeds, waiting for favorable conditions for germination. What finally unlocks these cones? The heat of fire. Fire that clears out trees and underbrush providing fertile ground and cleared canopies necessary for new growth.
Nearly three years later, I can now clearly see what that fire burned away in my life and what grew in its place.
The first thing it destroyed was the armor I’d been carrying. The belief that I could do it all, all at the same time. The identity wrapped up in thinking I had somehow grown past major challenges, that experience was supposed to be armor against adversity instead of just better tools for navigating it.
When that armor burned away, it created space for something I didn’t expect…the opportunity to dive much more deeply into my own strengths, shadows, triggers, and motivations. To do the real inner work with coaches and mentors through some of the most emotionally, physically, and financially challenging seasons of my life.
That inner work has made me more centered, more present, more healthy, and much more happy.
The second thing the fire cleared was space for my second-in-command to step up and into deeper responsibilities, ultimately becoming President of the company. Now, with me as the CEO/Visionary and her as the President/Integrator, she now runs the day-to-day much better than I ever could.
The third thing the fire created was space. And with that space, I started exploring generative AI at its very infancy. Playing. Learning. Building. That exploration has completely changed the trajectory of everything I’ve done professionally, transforming our marketing company into a human-centric, AI-powered organization and launching Lead With AI to help other leaders do the same.
None of that growth could have happened if the fire hadn’t burned through first.
The Hardest Part
I shared something recently with an entrepreneur I coach who’s going through her own fire right now. I told her:
“I’ve realized that adversity and challenges actually don’t bother me nearly as much as uncertainty. The lack of vision. The lack of belief that I’m on the right path. When I’m in the storm and it’s swirling around me and I don’t know what’s up, down, left, or right…that is what breaks me down.”
But once I can see the flag, even if it’s far away, I can shoulder in and put one foot in front of the other. I actually get energy from that. It’s something to fight toward instead of just standing in the middle of the storm feeling lost.
The question is: how do you find the flag when you can’t see anything?
For me, the answer was raising my hand. Confiding in those around me. Allowing them to help create a small clearing in the storm clouds…something to anchor to, something to hold on to, something to move toward.
I also had to learn patience.
Not doing nothing…that’s different.
Waiting with patience is an active choice rooted in trust.
The question I learned to ask my leadership team during that season: “Knowing what we know now, is there anything else that we could or should be doing?” And if the answer was no, we waited. We let the seeds we’d planted have time to germinate instead of tilling up the ground before anything actually had the time to grow.
And perhaps hardest of all, I had to grieve. There’s a death that happens when the vision of what you thought your business would be, what you thought your life would be, gets ripped away. Even if what’s coming is better, the loss is still real. The stages of grief still apply.
You don’t move on from that. You move through.
Practice Gratiosity
Several years ago, I heard Dr. Taryn-Marie Stejskal speak, and she introduced a term that perfectly captures what I’ve been trying to articulate: Gratiosity.
It’s the combination of two things:
First, looking back with Gratitude on the challenges and adversity, not for the pain itself, but for the growth, the lessons, and the opportunities they created.
Second, the Generosity to share your experience of that journey with others so they can navigate their own paths just a little better. Sometimes that means faster. But often it just means letting go of the negative self-talk, the fear, and the shame that accompanies hard seasons.
Gratiosity is what my coaches practiced with me on that phone call two and a half years ago. It’s what I try to practice now with the entrepreneurs and leaders I work with.
And it’s what I’m inviting you to consider today.
If You’re in the Fire Right Now
Every single business leader and entrepreneur has walked through the fires of adversity, doubt, and despair.
You are not alone.
Do not try to fight the fire on your own. Shame only grows stronger in darkness. It thrives in isolation and secrecy.
Raise your hand. Confide in those around you. Allow them to practice gratiosity with you. To help create a small clearing in the storm clouds. Something to anchor to. Something to hold on to. Something to move toward.
Sometimes they’ll offer observations. Sometimes experience shares. Sometimes just a good ol’ fashioned pep talk.
Let them in. Let them cast light in places you aren’t sure you have the strength to illuminate on your own.
If You’re on the Other Side
If you’ve walked through your fire and come out forged instead of destroyed, this is your invitation too.
Please practice your own Gratiosity.
Be the person who helps create that clearing for someone else. Share your perspective. Share your experience. Share your presence.
You don’t have to have all the answers. Sometimes just letting someone know they’re not alone, that you’ve been in your own swirling storm and found your way to the other side, is the exact gift their overtaxed heart and mind may just need.
Pulling It Together
There’s a reason pine cone seeds only open in the heat of fire. There’s a reason the forest floor needs to be cleared for new growth to take root. There’s a reason the fires of adversity do the same for each of us.
I’m entering a new phase now. A new chapter both personally and professionally. And that’s in no small part because of the growth that was germinated in the fires of the last few years.
The gift of Gratiosity isn’t just looking back with Gratitude. It’s paying forward with Generosity.
Both require courage. Both are essential. Both are available to you, whether the fire is all around you or in the rearview mirror. The choice is yours.
Lead With Energy,
Derek