The Comfort Zone Paradox: When Growth Actually Destroys You

“You only grow outside of your comfort zone.”

I became so adept at pushing myself outside my comfort zone that comfort itself became my greatest discomfort. I became uncomfortable being comfortable. Sound familiar? If you’re a driven leader constantly chasing growth, this might be your story too.

Whenever I created a little extra time, energy, or money and things got a little comfortable, the discomfort pushed me to start another challenge, another project, another company. This forced me to elevate my game, to get better, to grow. Like a tectonic plate smashing against a continent, I pushed with all my might against the walls of my comfort zone with unending intensity and brute force. And not so amazingly, it worked…until it didn’t.

Consistently pushing ourselves outside our comfort zones does not create sustainable growth – it creates burnout and chronic stress, it creates health and relationship crises. What grows most in the unending expansion of our comfort zone is the size of the crater from the inevitable self-destruction that follows.

Before you think this is just another “kids these days can’t do hard things,” stay with me.

There is a Grand Canyon-sized difference between hard and uncomfortable.

• Hard spotlights a gap in necessary skill or ability. Hitting a 90mph fastball is hard. Hard is about the thing.
• Uncomfortable pokes a soft spot in your soul. Not wanting to look silly flailing at a 90mph fastball is uncomfortable. Uncomfortable is about you.

I’m not talking about hard things. I’m talking about the uncomfortable ones.

Defining the Boundaries of Comfort

If you’ve ever been on a lake, you’ve likely seen large white cylinders with orange writing bobbing in the water that say “No Wake” or “Caution” or “Hazard”.

These buoys mark the boundary of the lake’s comfort zone. Inside the comfort zone, we can let it rip, but outside, we must be vigilant, anxiously watching for objects in the shallower water.

It seems logical that if we can go fast and free inside our comfort zone, the biggest growth would come from expanding its boundaries by pushing and pulling these buoys outside the comfort zone. But here lies the huge, life-destroying issue: buoys are anchored to the lake floor.

Those of us with unique gifts. Those of us with the most drive and determination. Those of us who are strongest and most intense, will keep pushing and pulling forcing the edges of our boundaries outward. We pile up “wins” by doing uncomfortable things day after day, year after year, numbing ourselves with more: more work, more achievement, more accomplishment, more money, more nightcaps, more junk food, more sleepless nights, more strained relationships…more more.

When we keep pushing and pulling one buoy after another without addressing the root cause of discomfort, the collective resistance of all these buoys craving their own equilibrium, eventually leads to exhaustion and burnout. And if you’ve successfully pushed hard and long enough to commandeer a bunch of buoys, an existential breakdown as it all comes crumbling down around you.

Buoys of Limited Beliefs

Yes, we need to do things that make us uncomfortable, but growth doesn’t come from doing those things; growth comes from exploring why those things make us uncomfortable, why they are actually out of our comfort zone in the first place.

Buoys are in a lake to keep boaters, swimmers, and docks safe from harm, but what exactly are our mental/emotional buoys protecting us from?

We may believe they are protecting ourselves from the shallow waters of danger, fear, anger, rejection, or pain. But if we actually pause to look discomfort in the eyes, even for just a moment, the true depths of our waters beyond are revealed. Within us, we posses the enormity of an ocean, but we self-quarantine to the buoyed perimeter of a backyard pool.

Unshackling Your Potential

Studies have shown that by the age of thirty-five, 95% of our choices are made on autopilot by our beliefs, habits, and subconscious scripts. These habits and scripts are the buoys mapping the geography of our comfort zone, which are predominantly placed by childhood experiences. Most of these buoys were placed haphazardly and unintentionally via the underdeveloped childhood interpretations of other people’s words and actions. 

Just as buoys are kept securely in place by chains, shackles, and anchors, so are the buoys that define our being. The emotional ferocity and repetition of experiences add tensile strength to each chain link, anchoring these beliefs to our subconscious, shackling us to our past through our 95% choices. All of this underneath the surface, underneath our comfort zone. All of this without our conscious consent.

These chains and shackles are typically only noticed when life’s storms create a crises stronger than the anchors: health scares, death of a loved one, empty nest, divorce, mid-life loss of meaning, etc. Any disruption to the normal glide path of life can reveal the arrangement of our internal buoys, often for the first time.

We think we own our decisions, but 95% of our choices are leased from others. We have been told we must grow outside of our comfort zone, but true growth actually comes not from outside it but from underneath it. It comes from understanding and addressing the chains, shackles, and anchors defining our lives.

Avoiding the Crisis

A crisis typically precedes the biggest growth because only then is the pain of not changing greater than the potential pain of change – the bigger the breakdown, the bigger the breakthrough. Just as an artist doesn’t have to be tortured to produce great work, neither do any of us need to wait for the crises to grow. Two paths lie before you:

1. Keep walking the same path. Keep pushing outside your comfort zone, and wait for the eventual storm to rock your world.
2. Start noticing what makes you uncomfortable. Start embracing that reaction invites reflection. Begin the life-long journey of unshackling yourself, allowing growth to happen naturally instead of through sheer force.

The first time I went through the cycle of recognizing one of these buoys, working through it with coaches/therapists, and ultimately breaking free of its hold over me changed the direction of my life. I felt the immense power of the mind-body connection and how much of my energy was being wasted holding all these buoys in place…which is also why it was one of the first experiences I wrote about.

This article is one of the most uncomfortable, yet important ones I’ve written. I felt some emotional space from previous topics as they were my observations, reflections, and lessons learned from a previous experience I hoped would connect and resonate with your similar experiences and feelings.

This one feels different because I am still actively working through it. This one feels bigger because I’m asking you to trust me, to have faith in something you may not see yet but is vital in becoming the un-buoyed beautiful version of yourself.

You owe it to yourself. You owe it to those you love. You owe it to the world.

Invitation to a Deeper Conversation

If you’ve found yourself nodding along or having your interest piqued as you read this, perhaps you’d like to continue the conversation.

On Thursday, July 25th at 12:00 CST, I am hosting a virtual roundtable with three remarkable leaders who each have navigated their own profound challenges – from cancer to addiction, divorce to burnout. We’ll be having an open, honest conversation about their journeys of growth and what they’ve learned about themselves along the way.

If you feel being a part of this conversation could be valuable for you, I would love for you to join us by registering here.

If you can’t make that time but have a question you would like to ask, want to see the recording, be invited to any future conversations, or let me know your thoughts on this, just hit Reply and let me know. I absolutely treasure each email response I get every month.

Lead With Energy,

Derek