The Hidden Trap of Resilience: When Pushing Forward Holds You Back
The Battle Unknown
As the amount of change and volatility continues to accelerate, being a leader today requires more resiliency and adaptability than ever before. My resiliency, certainly like yours, was built one piece of hard-earned armor at a time until I became fully plated, fully confident I could power through to the other side of any situation.
Which worked well, until it didn’t.
Until the armor that protected me started to hurt me.
The challenge I started noticing was that each piece of armor was anchored by a strong emotion and story, slowly fusing together as my tightly held identity. But over time, those pieces began to clash, each one demanding a voice (often contradicting each other) in my mind and heart, creating a relentless and overwhelming cacophony of confusion.
I started realizing all this armor was for fighting an unwinnable battle; one in which the harder I fought, the harder it got. And when I finally understood why, everything changed.
It was because I wasn’t fighting an external enemy. I wasn’t fighting against anyone or anything out there.
I was fighting against myself.
Only me.
As down became up and left became right in my world, it wasn’t until I began dropping my armor and surrendering the battle that I actually started winning it. The less I fought, the less I forced, the easier, better, and lighter each day got.
That’s not to say each day is filled with sunshine and new client contracts, but the way I show up in difficult moments is different. Like when I was in a tough conversation where my perspectives and feedback triggered the other person. They became heated, animated, and venomous. Before, my armor would have “protected” me by soft-pedaling in the moment to make them more comfortable and less upset…then spending several sleepless nights replaying it, wondering if I was wrong.
Standing there, armorless in the inferno, I could clearly see their triggers being flipped. I could let them have their experience, while I maintained mine. I could stop using my armor to shield them from the discomfort of their own growth.
And then I went home and slept just fine.
Like a cast protecting a broken bone, this armor served me well in getting from where I was to where I am.
But not for where I am going.
The Wisdom of Letting Go
This isn’t just my battle, it’s a human struggle that has played out across time, captured perfectly in this Buddhist parable:
A man was traveling on foot through a vast forest. Along the way, he encountered a wide and dangerous river, blocking his path. After much thought, he gathered logs, vines, and branches to construct a sturdy raft. Using the raft, he successfully crossed the river.
Once he reached the other side, the traveler thought to himself, This raft was so useful to me. It saved my life by helping me cross the river. I should carry it with me, just in case I encounter another river.
So, he hoisted the heavy raft onto his shoulders and began to walk through the dense woods. The further he went, the more the raft slowed him down. It got caught on branches, scraped against trees, and drained his energy. The traveler became exhausted, but he clung to the raft, unwilling to let it go.
Eventually, he came upon a monk traveling the same path who saw the struggling traveler and asked why he was carrying the raft through the forest. The traveler explained how the raft had helped him cross the river and how he wanted to keep it for future use.
The monk replied, The raft was indeed useful, but now it has no purpose. It served its function, and you can leave it behind. Carrying it now only creates suffering.
The traveler realized his attachment to the raft was unnecessary and let it go. With a lighter load, he continued his journey through the forest with ease.
The same armor that once saved and protected you is likely now holding you back. It is keeping you guarded from your future, from becoming who you are capable of being, from moving effortlessly through your next proverbial forest.
As a leader, you’ve likely become skilled in laying out a clear path for your team, yet when it comes time for you to step ahead, your own path may not be so clear.
But this isn’t a path that someone else can clear for you. It’s a choice only you can make. And it requires a different kind of confidence, one rooted not in armor, but in trust.
Time For a Shift
This is often the time of year when a lot of intention, attention, and resolutions are put into starting or stopping things. But maybe, it’s time for a shift in perspective.
To start being more you.
To stop rigidly holding onto the armor or raft.
To recognize that what was once invaluable may now just be an unnecessary heavy burden.
Like the traveler and his raft…
What are you still carrying that once saved you, but no longer serves you?